If you are an African-American woman, you know the pain caused by prejudice. If you are of the Jewish faith, you have heard stories about your ancestors and the bigotry directed at them because of their religious belief. If you are Native American, you understand racism and untrue stories about your traits. If you are a white woman, you comprehend discrimination simply because you are female.

    We are all sisters regardless of race, religion, skin color, or sexual preference. Our relatives before us fought for their rights, and we continue in their footsteps. We battle with the laws, the courts, with male leaders, and the corporate world.

    Why then do we allow an abusive man to steal from us-to take what is not only rightfully ours, but that which others have previously struggled to attain: our self, spirit, power, equality, sense of worthiness, and control?

    We will take on the world to gain equality but roll over and play dead for some man who will ultimately destroy us! It doesn't make sense.

    Nowadays, we stand a fighting chance to gain balance in the work force. We can sue against job discrimination. We are able to prove our ability to those who doubted us simply because we are women. But we stand no chance of fairness when involved with an abuser.

    Just because we are dealing with matters of the heart, we can't become vulnerable. Emotional relationships can benefit from objectivity and analysis.

    Approach your abusive relationship as a business. Is it successful? Are you reaping benefits? What is its value? Finally, the most important business question-what does the bottom line tell you? If it is a failure, it might be time to sell or get out!

    What if we leave the first time our abuser struck us? We don't listen to his reasons for hitting us and we don't lie to ourselves and take the blame for the abuse. We tell ourselves that if he did it once, he will do it again. We know that abuse is his issue, not ours. And so we leave.

    What if, the first time he beats us, we go to a phone and call the police and press charges? We refuse to back down from the charges, and follow through with them all the way to a court hearing. We also file an order of protections against him, preventing him from coming near us. If he goes against the order, we contact the police and report it.

    What if his battering causes injuries and we have to seek medical treatment from a doctor or hospital? So we demand, through the courts if necessary, that he pay for the resulting bills? And if we are forced to seek legal counsel to get the bills paid, we also demand he pay for our attorney bills?

    What if we refuse to speak to him again-by telephone, letter, or in person? We cut off all communication, forever. As far as we are concerned, he was a mistake in our life. If we are married to him, we seek out an attorney to end the marriage.

    What if we did these things, took these actions, fought for our rights? What would it do? It would send a powerful and important message to the abuser-"I will not fall for your tired and old routine. I will not play your game. I will take whatever legal action is necessary if you try to contact me again. I am no longer your victim."

    Our actions are our words.

    One of the ways a battered woman can break through the "fog" she seems to live in, is to attend a support group and listen to other victims of domestic violence share their thoughts.

    The awareness takes place as she hears other women talk about the words their abuser will use against them. "No other man will ever have you-I'm the only person who could possibly love you-I have to hit you because you are so hard-headed-I'm trying to teach you to be a better woman-If you would only do what I tell you, I wouldn't have to use force-I can't make it without you, what will happen to me if you leave," and on and on. Does this sound familiar?

    We begin to realize that, just possibly, the abuser's all use the same words, for the same reasons. It's all about control. We start to think that they have all attended the same class, "Abuser-101." Their words are all similar with different tones. It is the same story with a different face. Sadly, we believe their accusations and take them as truth.

    If the abuser's words are similar, maybe the battered woman's beliefs are too. We will at first defend ourselves against their lies, but if we remain in the situation, we will eventually begin to believe them. Just like a hostage, we will start to side and defend our captor, not realizing we are like a prisoner.

    If you will seek help and call your local shelter for battered persons, you could become a part of a group of women who attend a support group and are learning to break free of their destructive lifestyle. It could be the first step toward a very enlightening and healthy life. And, remember this is our life we are talking about!

    Scientists discovered that a frog, placed in water that was gradually heated, would not jump out of the container-even when the temperature eventually reached boiling point and killed the frog. Its body had adapted to the slow increase in temperature, rendering it unable to determine when the temperature reached lethal heights.

    We have a much higher intelligence than the frog and yet we too learn to adapt to unpleasant and potentially life-threatening situations through our mindset and denial. We tell ourselves that many women have a life far worse than ours, our abuser works and supports us, he's a good father, he's clean, he doesn't take drugs, etc. And all the while the heat grows more intense.

    Domestic violence doesn't go away or lessen. It escalates. What started out as a shove across the room will become a slap across the face. Then, he will punch us, or throw us into the wall. And those women who tried to adapt often end up being killed by their abuser.

    We read the statistics in the newspapers and watch the victim being removed from her home in a body bag, on the evening news. Still, we tell ourselves it won't happen to us.

    We are living in our own world of denial. We have adapted to the gradual increase of abuse.

    But life isn't something we should have to adapt to. This is not living-it is attempting to survive. And many, far too many, abused women don't survive.

    Let this be a lesson to us-a lesson that could save our lives. We don't adapt-we leave!